The Hardest Post (Or "It's a Boy!")

OK, here goes the post that's been the most difficult for me to write.  You may wonder why, after documenting our precious boy's losing fight against cancer, or venting over precious memories stolen, or struggling with issues related to loss, grief and faith, this post in particular would prove tricky to articulate.

Well, here it is.  We're pregnant.  With another boy.  Due date 11/11/12.

If you're good at math you'll quickly realize that I'm already 35 weeks pregnant.  And this is the first time I'm publicly announcing it online.  These days my body is doing all the talking for me (no hiding the belly now!) and it's time for my voice to catch up, to join the celebration, to do the speaking.

Why has this been so hard?  Perhaps it's because I've been giving bad news for so long I'm afraid to voice good news - subconsciously worried that I'll have to change my tune later.  Or perhaps it's simply because I'm in denial.  Denial that I'm giving birth to another son within days of the last one's anniversary of passing.

Perhaps it's because I'm so happy I don't know what to say.  Or feeling confused.  Or all of the above.

Suffice it to say we're glad.  Looking forward to this little guy's birth.  Theo's beside himself with joy to  have another brother.  He's already planning where the little guy is going to sit in the car, what we're going to do when we have our next baby, and what to call both of them.  (What can I say, he's a forward-thinking planner!)

We've had our moments.  Theo has done a fair share of crying over the past few months.  At the very beginning of this pregnancy he voiced his sadness over not getting to keep Vincent, saying he wanted Vincent to come back instead of this new baby.  A few months ago he began praying that this baby would "stay" and "not go to heaven for a long, long time."  Now he kisses my belly each night and laughs when the baby kicks back. "He likes me, mom!"  I'm sure that like his parents, his feelings over having a new family member are confusing.  But confusing or not, I desperately want this to work, to last.  And because of that it's hard to celebrate what already is.  That there is new life here, in this family.  That God has blessed us with another child.  That Theo and Vincent have, indeed, another brother.

Several weeks ago something clicked in my brain and I began preparing ourselves for this little guy's birth - getting clothes from friends, readying a crib, making a few badly needed purchases.  All of Vincent's things were either given away or made into memory blankets. His car seat is long gone, sent to the trash carrying irremovable toxic chemo substances. Initially we were hoping for a girl - me so that I could feel better about having to buy baby things yet again, Dan so that he could have some mental separation between what happened to our last child and what could happen to this one.  But now we're glad.  It's another boy.  We have three boys now.  What could be better than that?