Sick

Yesterday was sunny and warm, and I knew something was wrong when Theo said he was feeling cold.

It's not even remotely cold out.

After a long nap (which is HIGHLY unusual these days!)  Theo woke up feverish.

Today his hands and feet have broken out into a red, prickly rash.  We have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.

The problem is, I'm very scared.  Last night I just sat beside his bed, wondering what the *&%# I would do if he died.  There've been a few kiddie deaths in our state from a freak strain of walking pneumonia, (and that's what I was initially worried about), but now that he has a rash I feel a bit better.  Rashes usually don't mean rabid strains of pneumonia.

But that gets me wondering - am I going to be paranoid each time he gets sick between now and adulthood?  That's a lot of colds, aches, headaches, stomach pains, flus, swollen glands, fevers and rashes away.  When will I be able to relax, trust God for the future?

Unfortunately, trusting God these days is tough.  He didn't keep my first son from dying, so what's to keep him from taking my remaining child?  How am I supposed to ever "relax" now?  My world is even less safe than it was a year ago.

And now Theo's having another nightmare - it's going to be a long night.  GREAT.

Darn you, Grief!

Last week Theo threw up while we were finishing dinner.  It looked really gross, all dark and runny from our shepherds pie w/ barbecue sauce dip.  I was so proud of myself because I caught all the puke in the cup.  No splatter.  (isn’t this the grossest post ever?)  

These days I get so proud of myself over the littlest things.  I rearrange the bookshelf and think it looks awesome.  I get a craft prepared for Theo the night before and marvel at my foresight.  I read a non-mystery book and pat myself on the back.  I have so much grace for myself, and yet almost none for other people.  

Why am I being so witchy?  (don’t answer these questions, please!)  Why can’t I give Dan the amount of grace I give myself?  Why are my expectations of him so high?  Why do I demand so much from God?  

I hate the fact that grief can make me so self-centered, so needy, so demanding.  I want my grieving to be about Vincent, about how wonderful he was, about how much we’ll miss him, but instead it has triggered all these other emotions. I know that’s normal, but I don’t like it.  I know that after you lose someone important to you, you start realizing all the “secondary losses” that their death has also incurred.  

It seems that each week that goes by reveals more secondary losses caused by Vincent’s death.  I gravitate towards families that have 2 kids, yet they can only see 1 of mine.  I’m never going to be able to bring Vincent to preschool, or see his face light up when I come to pick him up.  I can’t hold his hand as we walk across the road together.  When I drive in the car now I can’t see his face in the backseat mirror.  I am no longer a breastfeeding mom, or a working mom, for that matter.  I won’t be able to take a picture of the first time he poops in the big boy potty (I told you this was a gross post, isn’t it!)  There are literally thousands of things that I lost along with Vincent, and I'm just beginning to realize what they all are.

And then, just when I feel I’m doing better, another secondary loss surprises me and once again I’m in shambles.  

There were a few good days in this past week, I guess I should just be thankful I don't feel worse.