Lethargy and a quick Rant

I really feel off schedule.

Studying for my new message on the loaves and fishes is almost impossible.

Yes, I am actually taking pictures of my bookshelves

All I want to do these days is lay in bed, read to Theo, and get to the gym for half an hour. (Although I did make dinner almost every night last week, as well as clean a few kitchen cupboards and scrub the bathroom tub.)  The list of things I didn't do is slightly more comprehensive.

Perhaps I do need medication.  Or a kick in the pants.

Or perhaps another baby.  (Which is not a current option because our health insurance doesn't cover anything pregnancy-related.)

Two of my favorite guys

Oh, and our 17 year old car finally died last month, and in the last several weeks our 8 year old car has required over $2,000 worth of repair.  Apparently she needed a new clutch, master/slave, engine coils, and alternator (among other things!)

Lovely.

OK, enough blowing off steam.  How are you guys doing?

Musical inspiration here.  (I can literally listen to this for hours!)

Grief Journal, Night Owl

These days I've been staying up way too late.  Sometimes I sew or work on writing.  Mostly I read or occasionally watch TV.

Even when Vincent was alive I was a night owl.  I'd put him and Theo to sleep, then sneak out to read, study, or sew, usually until the wee hours of the morning.

The day before Vincent went into surgery I stayed up the entire night sewing a bag.  It seems so ironic that I can, at this moment, see it through the open closet door in our room, hanging next to articles of clothing I've owned for years.  How can I still have the same clothes as last year, the same ipod, the same hardly-functioning cell phone, and not have my child?  Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?

Right now I'm sick again.  Coughing, swollen glands, sore throat.  I'm exhausted.  But I just cannot get to bed.  It's not that I can't sleep.  Sleep usually comes pretty quickly, and when it doesn't, I play solitaire on the ipad until my eyes blur.  Falling asleep isn't a huge issue for me.  What is incredibly difficult is simply the act of getting to bed.  I. just. can't. seem. to. do. it.

Perhaps what I am afraid of is that Vincent will somehow come back, but I'll be sleeping when he knocks at the door. Or perhaps I'm subconsciously dreading the advent of the next day, so I'm staying up super late to prevent it from coming?  Maybe I don't want to have nightmares about his last moments.  Or perhaps I enjoy staying up late and want to have some fun before the next day arrives with all its responsibilities.  Maybe the real reason I find it so difficult to go to bed is a little bit of all of the above.

So I'm off.  To bed.  Before I cough up a lung.

Or maybe I'll watch The Amazing Race instead.  Hmmm....

Lost

Do you ever feel lost?

These past few days after returning home from Chicago I have been struggling to find my equilibrium. I'm not functioning at a high capacity, I can barely get things done, and living in our house is getting increasingly hard for me.  I might need to move.  I'm angry.  It's hard to breathe without crying.

I need to get away.

That's funny, I just got back!

Grief Journal: February 16

Today was exhausting, as every other day this week has also been.  I am bone tired, and yet don't want to go to sleep early in the evening because I want to feel something other than drudgery and frustration.  I want to feel good about something, anything.

These days when I wake up in the morning instead of feeling the promise of what-could-be in the new day, I feel something like dread.  What is going to be different about today than yesterday?  Vaccuuming?  Sewing? Watching a movie?  I'm not looking forward to my future, whatever it may be.  And I'm too exhausted to be good company to my friends who want to reach out to me.  Nothing's enjoyable.

Could this be depression?  A new facet of grief?

Maybe reading a few more mystery books will help.