I have noticed, however, some benefits to daily exercise. I can keep up with my son Theo at the park without getting out of breath, sleep deeply at night, and not feel guilty about eating that extra whole wheat chocolate chip cookie. My "fat"pants aren't so darn tight.
Treading on that @$%* elliptical for 30 minutes every day has definitely put me more in touch with my physical body. In the past week I've experienced cramps, shooting pains, numb toes (apparently my tennis shoes are too small) and sore muscles. I've sweat enough liquid to fill a small swimming pool, and every afternoon on that darn machine my face and body turn bright, beet red. (This attractive coloring lasts for several hours past the workout.) I've known since middle school that my face turns red after running and that sore muscles are a result of working hard, but I have experienced something else I never, ever expected.
Grievers often find that their inner pain exhibits itself through their physical body - studies show that people in a prolonged stage of high-stress grief are at increased risk for heart attacks, heart disease, ulcers, and kidney stones (among other things). One of the best and most difficult pieces of advice my spiritual director gave me was to "make friends" with my inner pain, and during my daily workouts this week I made the initial steps toward doing this. How, you may ask?
Well, I have finally found my pain's physical location. It's in my heart. My heart hurts so much. It feels constricted, broken, aching, throbbing, heavy, so, so, heavy it can be difficult to breathe. In the last eight months since Vincent died, my whole body has felt heavy all day long, sluggish, unresponsive, numb, unhappy. But now, now all this inner pain is all centering itself in my heart where it throbs at odd moments every day, triggered by memories, songs, pictures, words, images.
Now that I have discovered the location of my pain, all that remains is for me to simply "make friends" with it.
...I'll let you know how that goes.
...I'll let you know how that goes.